Safe people are individuals who draw us closer to being the people God
intended us to be. Though not perfect, they are ‘good enough’ in their own
character that the net effect of their presence in our lives is positive.
They are accepting, honest, and present, and they help us bear good fruit
in our lives. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid those
that Aren’t P.11
Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid
those that Aren’t
(13 lesson series based upon the book of this title by Dr. Henry Cloud and
Dr. John Townsend.)
Part 1: ‘Unsafe People,’ you’ll learn who unsafe people are and the twenty
identifying traits of unsafe people. (Lessons 1-4)
Part 2: ‘Do I attract Unsafe People,’ you’ll get an idea of why we
choose people who are toxic to us and how to fix the problem. (Lessons 5-8)
Part 3: ‘Safe People,’ you’ll find out what safe people are and why you need
them. (Lessons 9-13)
Lesson 1: What is an Unsafe Person?
1. We are talking here about personal relationships not all interactions
with other human beings on this planet. We are to be in the world and not
of the world. John 17:14-21 & Matthew 28:18-20
2. We are relational beings. Genesis 2:18, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12,
John 13:34
3. When we are wounded by people, we tend to blame our need for attachment.
4. When things are going well we tend to speak in generalities
5. When things are not going well we tend to get specific about what
our complaints are.
When God addresses a problem He is specific. He has said
that His people are ‘far away’ (Isaiah 29:13), ‘unfaithful’ (Joshua
22:16), ‘proud and perfectionistic’ (Deuteronomy 8:14; Psalm 36:2),
‘unloving’ (1 John 4:20), and ‘judgmental’ (Romans 2:1)
6. We tend to look at the outside of the person and not the inside.
1 Samuel 16:7, Matthew 23-25
7. Real life is not like the comic books, the ‘bad guys’ are not always
so easy to spot.
The three basic categories of ‘Unsafe People.’
1. Abandoners are people who can start a relationship, but can’t
see it through. They have often been abandoned themselves. Afraid of true
closeness, they prefer shallow acquaintances. Others are looking for perfect
friends and leave as soon as imperfection arises. Abadoners destroy trust.
Those who choose these kinds of people tend to be depressed and compulsive
people.
2. Critics are people who take the parental role with those
they meet. They are judgmental, speak the truth without love, and leave no
room for grace or forgiveness. They are more concerned with confronting errors
than they are with making connections. Those who choose these kinds of people
tend to be compliant and guilt ridden.
3. Irresponsibles are people who don’t take care of themselves
or others. They require enablers to function. These enablers (Codependents)
choose an irresponsible to care for and then:
a. pick up after them.
b. apologize for and make excuses to others for them.
c. give them chance and chance again.
d. pay for there sins and forgetfulness
e. nag and resent them
We may see these unsafe traits in ourselves as well, if we are honest. God
calls us to reason (Isaiah 1:18) to examine our actions (Lamentations
3:40) and our hearts. (Psalm 4:4) We should desire to be ‘safe
people’ ourselves as well as loving ourselves (Matthew 22:39) well
enough to avoid toxic people. (1 Corinthians 15:33, Romans 16:17-18)